i really need lots and lots of encouragement.
could hardly carry on any further..

silly situation that i am in.
perhaps a few years down the road,
i will be laughing at how silly a situation i am in right now.

but right now?
i can't laugh.
i can only try to YANK myself out of this depressed mood.

so glad that i went for a session of ice-skating in the morning.
$8 is stinking cheap! (U.P $16.50).
I just have to bring myself there even
when the event was clearly organised 
for those 16years and below.

pffft.
the power of persuasion: WORKS.


Hah. though, i didnt really get to go all out in full force.
most of the time i was holding amos's hands,
some of the time i was guiding candy,
and few of the time i was asking joyce if she was okay.

still? GREAT DAY SPENT.
feeling: accomplished.

beeen so long since i last had 
plain simple fun with my friends.

love it!

I.NEED.TO.STOP.FEELING...

demoralised, distressed and depressed

AFTER EVERY..

fridays, saturdays, sundays
AND
alternate tuesdays.

whenever i hear coco lee wen's songs,
i cant help but be reminded that 
my mother ever asked me to model after her.

model wad u asked?

her sexiness. 

i am so relieved that my mentor,
who chose to mentor me through the literature and media,
picks up that my exterior is a facade.

I AM REALLY NOT THAT GOOD.
i am sorry if i exhibit an impression that i am an all-rounder who can do anything 
because i cant!

i am perhaps wad u called, 
a jack of all trades,
master of none.

boy.
so now, the impt decision.
to move on or not?

GOD!
i need an answer from you....
sharpen my ears and
quicken my heart please.
let me hear from u this sunday kay?

young adults OR youth?!
YOU CHOOSE.
i trust You.

sharine's death on 23rd dec:

although it hit all of us really hard,
it also strongly highlighted of our individual mortality.
yes, we are young.
but, cancer is real.

we really should all stop thinking that we are invincible 
and that all misfortunes are so far.

we will all, die one day.

i am feeling highly, highly frustrated.
the insides of me felt so wrecked 
as though i have been knocked by a container truck over and over again.

oh do i feel fake as well?
why not throw in a feeling of being naked and insecured?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
if there's a restart button for life, i am sure to wham a car at it!


MAN! i.need.to.SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

ystd in advanced family practice class,
we were tasked to use an instrument 
and get a snapshot of our families'
adaptability and cohesiveness.

interesting findings.
for the last 9 years,
honours students are found to have families
who are largely disengaged and a good mixture
of rigidity to chaotic.
and we are social work students.

hhahah! a little of a joke to me.
reminds me of the saying...
'who will counsel the counsellors themselves'
'who will guard the guarders themselves'
a psychiatrist may be an expert 
in applying therapies on their patients
but face terrible issues of life that they may have difficultis handling..

anyways! no big deal to that snapshot.
interestingly, TO MY PERCEPTION..
my family is connected and structured.
thought that's good enough for me! =)
YAY.

recently, i had a sudden loss in meaning of life.
i dunoo wad am i doing.
i dunoo wad am i here for.
i dunoo why i go school, do assignments or attend project meetings.

i dunoo why i am going leaders' meeting, edge uc, net grp, edge, morning/evening service.
i dunoo why i am meeting friends and trying to be a friend to them.

i had alot of 'whys' in the daily things i do in life.
and suddenly, i just don feel like doing anything.
yet day by day, i drag myself to continue what i am delegated to do.

'responsibilities' --> scary word isnt it?

i think i am hanging on a thin thread
constantly wondering when it would break or..
if anyone would drop down another thread for me to hang on to.

actually, it's enough. 
i am really tired of hanging.
i wanna stop hanging. 
but when i spoke to leaders above me,
i was just told, to hang on, the season will pass.

but any idea how tough it is one me? to hang on alone?
i want my support.
although yes i am thankful for a few individuals,
who stopped giving me projects here and there.

yet this period, i realised..
being home is the best.
THE BEST.
my parents are not perfect.
but the love they gave me is perfect enough for me.
i love hanging out with them.
and recently, i just keep finding opportunities to go out with them.
marketing, meal times, groceries shopping.
WHATEVER, i will ask if i could go with them.

i feel so safe when i am with my parents.
i feel that i no longer need to put on the strong front.
it 's as though, the tiny thread that i am hanging on disappears temporarily..
they obviously dunoo wad's going on in my life.
but, not sure why.. i felt supported.
SO SUPPORTED.

now, the thread still exist. i am hanging in mid-air.
i still find no meaning in all that i do.
but, i want to start finding meaning.
just.. where do i start?
where do i go?

oh responsibilities..
will you be able to let go of me?